Three Questions To Ask Yourself

Welcome back Dear Readers,

Hiring a life coach is one of the best things I've ever done. Since I started working with Ashley, I've returned to kickboxing, I started working in earnest on my book, I'm finally making time for marketing, and my desk is (mostly) clean. I still have a long way to go, but I'm making more progress than I have in a long time.

Part of my last homework assignment was to answer three questions. I found my answers to be surprising and very illuminating. I think you might benefit from them as well.

1. What could you start doing right now that, if done consistently, would make the biggest positive difference in your life?
2. What could you STOP doing right now that, if done consistently, would make the biggest positive difference in your life?
3. What could you do right at this moment that would make you the most proud?

Try it. Your answers may surprise you. 

I thought my answer to the first question would have something to do with writing, but thanks to the life coach I'm already writing. When I really thought about it, the answer was exercise. Exercise has the potential to have the biggest long-term positive impact on my life. That doesn't mean it should take over my life completely again, but it is super important. If I'm sick or dead because I didn't take the time to move my body, I won't be writing either. (Interestingly, when I asked this question of a friend who is ten years older, her answer was exactly the same.)

My answer to the second was easy--procrastinating. No surprises there. Procrastination is easily the bane of my existence. I would truly be a force to be reckoned with if all my time was spent productively. 

The third question turned out to be a great procrastination-buster. If you find yourself momentarily at loose ends and ask yourself that question, you'll probably immediately know how you should spend your time. For me, it's a matter of sticking to the schedule I've set for myself. When I'm finding it difficult to avoid Facebook or other distractions, I ask myself that question. And then I get back to work.

Let me know if this works for you as well. I'd love to know your answers, but you don't have to share if you're not comfortable. Getting some benefit out of the exercise is the most important.

The Happy List

Many of the blogs I love feature a round-up of interesting, beautiful or useful things each blogger discovered. I've often wanted to start one of my own lists, imitation being the sincerest form of flattery, but was concerned no one would find value in it.

However, I've found a number of wonderful things through these lists that have inspired me  and even changed my life. I'm not expecting to do the same for you--I can only hope--but if something has brightened my day or made my life a little better, perhaps others will feel the same. It can't hurt. My goal is to make this a weekly feature on Monday, the day of the week when most of us desperately need a lift.

What's Making Me Happy This Week:

Lilacs. Does any flower smell better? It's a shame they don't last longer, but while they're here I'm enjoying every minute. We have both lavender and white varieties in our yard, and a vase of them makes the whole house smell wonderful. I highly recommend it.

Writing Groups. Or any group of like-minded people who can celebrate your accomplishments, sympathize with your challenges, and truly understand where you're coming from. I have two writers' meetings this week--one with The Sparkling Werewolves, my official writing group, and one with the always fascinating Catherine Hunter. Both meetings will involve great food, even better conversation and lots of inspiration...what could be better than that? (I know I've said the opposite in past blogs, but I clearly wasn't in the right group.)

Ruche. The last thing I need is more clothes, but this site can usually convince me I need just one more thing. One caveat: if you find something you like, get it now because they sell out fast.

The best site I've ever found for clothing, housewares, jewelry and shoes that are simply beautiful with a vintage feel. I love their new Seashells collection.

My Life in France by Julia Child. If you liked Julie & Julia (the book or movie version), do yourself a favor and read the real story by the woman who lived it. Julia Child lived life to the fullest. With her diplomat husband Paul, she lived in France, Germany and Norway--always learning the language and the local cuisine in every country she called home. She struggled for years to get Mastering the Art of French Cooking published, simply because she believed in it. Inspired, I ordered a used copy of her opus and am eagerly anticipating trying one of her recipes at last. I want to see what all the fuss is about, but I'll be staying away from the aspic. My Life in France is truly inspiring, whether you love traveling, cooking, eating, or simply have a huge impossible goal.

Facebook Auctions. Not every city has them, but they are becoming more and more popular. Instead of risking your life on Kijiji or dickering over every penny at a garage sale, try selling the stuff you don't want or need anymore on a Facebook auction page. Most of the members are people who have been approved by other members, so it's a bit safer than Kijiji or Craig's List. I've sold over a hundred items in preparation for the big move to an island, and I've never felt threatened. I've also made a hundred times more than if I'd gone the garage sale route. Getting money for stuff you don't need? Sold!

What makes you happy right now?

Closing The Door

The immortal Stephen King once advised writing the first draft of a new novel with the door shut, and writing the second with the door open.

Writing with the door shut is one of the most difficult things for me to do. As a social person, I miss the company of other people. I also get excited about what I'm working on and want to share it. Sometimes a piece of writing has me stumped and talking through it with someone helps me resolve the problem.

As much as that last point has been invaluable over the last couple of days, it's been made clear to me over and over again how right King is, and how important it is to keep the door shut. Here's why: new drafts are fragile. Undue influence from others while you're still in the crafting phase can kill a novel altogether, or can take away from your own voice. It's hard to get anyone who is not a writer to understand this--they'll just think they're helping.

"The great thing about writing with the door shut is that you find yourself forced to concentrate on story to the exclusion of practically everything else. No one can ask you 'What were you trying to express with Garfield's dying words?' or 'What's the significance of the green dress?' You may not have been trying to express anything with Garfield's dying words, and Maura could be wearing green only because that's what you saw when she came into sight in your mind's eye. On the other hand, perhaps those things do mean something. Either way, the first draft is the wrong place to think about it." - Stephen King, On Writing

King says that we need to let our hope of success and fears of failure carry us through the first draft, as difficult as that may be. I find it plenty difficult, especially during the times when I'm stuck. Sometimes it helps to have someone to ruminate with, but only if they're very careful about what they say. Usually it's best to say nothing at all.

But even that is dangerous. I've been able to tell by a person's expressions whether they think something is a great idea or not, and when you're in the honeymoon of a first draft, excited to death about all those new words, the slightest curl of the lip or crinkle of the nose can be devastating. It's kind of like being unpublished, in a way. As long as you never show your work to the world, you could be the best goddamn writer who ever lived--who's to tell you different? When you're hard at work on your first draft and thinking it's the most brilliant thing in existence, the last thing you need or want is the suggestion that it's not. Keep the door closed.

If you must have external validation, create it. Do as King does, and imagine your "Ideal Reader". King's is based on his wife, but I think that's dangerous, too--not to mention potentially treacherous for the relationship. What happens if you finish the book, only to find your real spouse doesn't act anywhere near as thrilled as your imaginary version? How could you not be disappointed? And how can you avoid intentionally adding things you'll know will please them?

The most important person to please in the early stages is yourself. No one else's opinions matter. Writing is a lonely business, but it's lonely for a reason. Trust me, the one who had to keep learning the hard way. Trust King. Trust the guy from my writing group who ended up throwing his first draft in the garbage.

Keep the damn door closed. You'll be doing yourself a favor.

You CAN Go Back Again...

I used to be so judgemental. I'd see fighters get into the best condition of their lives, only to take months or even years off.

"That's crazy!" I'd think. "Why would they put all that effort in, only to throw it all away?"

Well, now I know why. Because I did the same exact thing.

After you fight, your adrenalin is up and all you want to do is get back to the gym. I imagine this is the same whether you win or lose. If you won, you want to keep winning, and if you lost, you want to correct your mistakes so you can win the next time.

But conventional wisdom says fighters should take at least a week off after a fight, if not more. So you do, taking advantage of that week to rest, catch up with loved ones, and do all the things you used to love that you haven't had time for in ages. Like eat carbs. Oh, wonderful carbs! And not worry about making a certain weight or making a fool of yourself.

It becomes addictive, this time off. Suddenly, there is freedom. You can watch a movie in the evenings or get together with friends. If you exercise, you schedule it around your life rather than the other way around.

And so it goes. The longer you stay away, the easier it is and the tougher it becomes to go back. Within months you realize that you're not in the same shape. Those brutal classes will be that much harder. Maybe it's best to work out at home for a while first, just to be more prepared before going back. Except life interferes with that, too. There is Christmas, and perhaps a new job with a super demanding schedule. Soon you have no idea how you ever managed to train as much as you did.

This is what happened to me. After training six days a week for almost a year, I stepped into the ring. I fought. I lost. I went back to my dojo once after my fight and then didn't return for one and a half years.

I finally went back today, but I honestly don't know how much longer it would have taken if I hadn't hired a life coach who told me I had to go to fulfill a homework assignment.

My hands were shaking like crazy. And I'll spare you the ugly details, but let's just say my body tried a few nasty tricks to get me to stay home. The weather was miserable. I had more stories due to write. There were a ton of reasons not to go.

But as soon as I walked in that door and saw my coach and my ol' training buddies, I was home. Simple as that. I won't say it was like I never left, because obviously after a year and a half I've lost a lot of conditioning. But it was so wonderful to belong like that again...to be in a place I love, doing something I love that keeps me sane, surrounded by people who were genuinely happy to see me back. It made me wonder what I'd been so afraid of. Here I'd been kicking myself (no pun intended), feeling ashamed and like people would judge me as I had once judged others, but instead I was greeted by people who understood and were supportive. It was the best possible experience.

I read a quote yesterday that really inspired me:

"A year from now, you'll wish you started today."

So I did.

This post is for my kru Kelly Westerlund, who never gave up on me.

Excuses, Excuses

This week my life coach wants me to take a hard look at the excuses that are holding me back. She divides excuses into three categories:

• Verbal: the excuses we actually say out loud when someone asks how the book or training is coming along.

• Distractions: all those things we use to procrastinate.

• Thoughts: the way our thoughts stand in our way. 

I'm supposed to chose one category of excuse and attempt to eliminate it for the week. I immediately picked distractions, because the Internet is a HUGE one for me. I can plan to research one thing that takes me five minutes, and three hours later I look up and realize my evening--and my writing time--is gone.

Facebook is another one. Selling my stuff on Facebook auction sites definitely brings me closer to my goals, and getting rid of my possessions is a necessity. I have so much to sell before we move! But it doesn't take that long to post an auction, answer any questions, and declare a winner. It certainly doesn't require looking at what anyone else is selling. That kind of thing easily lures me into a trance.

I find these distractions have more power when the work ahead of me is difficult or unappealing, as my rewrites seem to be (or the two articles I need to write about steel. Yes, steel).

So far, I'm not having any luck. I'm determined to conquer this addiction to surfing the Net, but I have no idea where to start. Do any of you have this problem? And if so, how did you conquer it? Or are you still struggling?

The Anti-Climax

It's human nature to expect that we'll be happier after we reach our big goals. Happier, more content, satisfied...able to sit back and enjoy the fruits of our labour. But is that really what happens?

I've been working with a life coach who says reaching one's goals can often be a letdown IF we haven't prepared to deal with the unexpected feelings that result. For instance, if you think finally running that marathon will make you feel accomplished and proud, find ways to feel accomplished and proud before you sprint past that finish line. Break the goal into smaller steps and celebrate each one as you achieve it.

I still remember getting that letter in the mail. It looked so much like a form rejection that I almost threw it away. But it wasn't a rejection. It was a request for a partial manuscript, which was followed by a request for the full manuscript. Then I got a call from the agent and she was so excited about my book! Finally, after all the rejections and all the rewrites, someone was recognizing my abilities. There was only one catch...she had to make sure her boss, the head of the agency, felt the same way. She called back with good news and emailed the contract only a few days later, but the early thrill of acceptance was already gone and I couldn't get it back. Landing an agent was nothing like I thought it would be.

Neither was getting engaged, becoming a director in the corporate world, or fighting in the ring. All were great moments in my life; all were worthy of celebration. And yet, if I were to be completely honest with myself, deep down there was a niggling feeling of, "That's it?" But maybe this only applies to goals that end in disappointment...neither the agent, the engagement or the new job was a good fit, and I lost the fight. Whenever I've achieved a huge milestone, it's been followed by a restlessness...a feeling of being completely lost. Now what? What to do next?

That's why I think the life coach's advice is so important. If you take a hard look at your goals, imagining how you'll feel when you achieve them and finding ways to feel that way now, you won't be crushed by disappointment if the accomplishment isn't quite what you hoped. I'll take this advice one step further and say it never hurts to have a follow-up goal so you know exactly where you're going next.

Can you relate? Have you ever accomplished something really big and been surprised (and somewhat letdown) by the way you felt afterwards? How did you deal with it? Looking back, was there a way to give yourself the feelings you were seeking before you accomplished the goal? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Light Bulb Moments

I have to level with you, Dear Readers. I really hope she doesn't read this and take offence, but I had my doubts about this "life coach" thing. Some were specific doubts about the life coach I'd chosen.

For one thing, she prefers to work with people in their twenties, which made me a tad suspicious. And for another, her pink, glittery, hearts-and-flowers approach was so NOT me. Which sounds odd, coming from someone who adores Hello Kitty, but I can't help rolling my eyes at things which are over-the-top girly. Unless they're over-the-top girly in the way I particularly happen to like. So there you go--I'm a hypocrite.

Anything that reeks of New Age mumbo-jumbo brings out the cynic in me. On the other hand, I'm not above seeking out unusual methods of finding solutions to problems. I've been to a medical intuitive, and although my medical doctor can roll her eyes as much as she wants, the truth remains that the intuitive was able to diagnose my illness while my doctor couldn't. And, as far as I can tell, the intuitive was right. But not all intuitives or life coaches or reiki healers are created equal. The only way you can separate those who have a true gift from those who thought it would be a great way to make a fast buck is by word-of-mouth. I tried my best to apply this to Ashley, speaking to the woman who'd recommended her and a former client, keeping in mind that they could both be friends of hers. Finally, I figured I had nothing to lose except for some money and some time. It was worth the gamble.

Before our first coaching session (a two-hour phone call), she sent me a questionnaire that forced me to evaluate different areas of my life and say which aspects made me happy and which needed improvement. Simple enough. We began our telephone conversation with a brief introduction to who Ashley was and why she'd become a life coach, and then she went over my answers.

Through exercises, talking, and more talking, I experienced two light bulb moments. Light bulb moments are those flashes of insight most people get very infrequently, and to have two in the course of a single conversation was pretty amazing. One of those light bulbs was switched on by Ashley; the other I discovered for myself through our conversation.

When I left the corporate world behind, I came up with a schedule that I hoped I could stick to. It divided each weekday into chunks--time for my writing, time for my freelancing, and time for marketing my writing and ideas. In reality, freelancing has taken over the whole shebang. If finding time and energy for my own writing is difficult, the marketing has really taken a back seat. I haven't done the slightest thing to market myself this year, unless you count entering the query blast contest.

In hindsight, it seems so simple, but Ashley pointed out that working on yet another novel is not getting me closer to being a full-time novelist on a tropical island in 2015. However, marketing the work I've already done will bring me closer to my goal. She suggested moving marketing way up on the priority list. It was so obvious I could have slapped myself on the forehead. And this is exactly the reason life coaches are awesome. They can see the things that are right in front of us that we're somehow missing.

The other light bulb is this: almost everything I'm doing is benefiting the short term. Yes, I'm saving money with all this freelancing, which will help with the move out of country. But since I don't intend to spend the rest of my life writing about steel and education and nursing and economic booms in small towns, it's not really helping me with my long-term goals. Every time I while away the hours on Facebook or reading or watching movies, that's not helping me either. Since I quit the day job, I've become hedonistic...doing only what I feel like doing when I feel like doing it. I work only when I absolutely have to, so other people's deadlines have of course taken precedence over my own.

'Laziness' is a sign that you actually don't want to do something. - Ashley

Ashley gave me some homework which will help me start working towards my five goals. I'll discuss my progress with her during our 50-minute conversation next week. Here's a sample of my homework assignments:

• Journal about what writing means to me and what my life would be like if I decided to give it up, with the intent of making sure that the life of a novelist is really what I want.
• Rewrite the first three chapters of Dragonfly Summer so I can submit it to publishers.
• Get at least 30 minutes of physical activity in this week.
• Talk to my kickboxing coach about the fears that are keeping me from returning to the dojo.

After today's session, I'm not only optimistic that this process will help me...I'm convinced. How about you, Dear Readers? When was the last time you ventured outside your comfort zone and tried something you were skeptical about? How did it work for you?